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Welcome to my words.

This entire website is topsy turvy as of late. The only time it’s not is when it’s turvy topsy. And even then, I can’t tell my bloggy from my elbow. Until we get things calm here, please enjoy this Mozart concerto. What? We can’t get the orchestra to play? That’s it. I quit. Hey Frankie, call your cousin and tell him I’m available for that bricklaying job. What? Your brother got it? Oh come on! He said he’d hold it for me til Tuesday! No, I’m not calling your cousin a liar. I’m just saying he’s a dirty, rotten bag of jerk flesh who wouldn’t know a hard worker if one fell on his head. Yeah, tell him I said so. I don’t care. My website’s all broke. That’s fine. This’ll give me more time to work on it. No, don’t do me no favors, Frankie. I’ll be all right. You worry about yourself. Sheesh.

What’s The Deal With Kindle Countdown Deals?

What’s The Deal With Kindle Countdown Deals?

As of, oh, let’s say two or three hours ago, my novel I Am Marcus Fox has been on sale. When your book is in the Kindle Unlimited program, you get these little perks, see? There’s this one and, um, well I’m quite sure there are others. But don’t quote me on that.

To be eligible for a Kindle Countdown Deal, your book needs to have been enrolled in Kindle Unlimited for at least 30 days with an unchanged price. Then, when your deal is through, your set price must remain there for an additional two weeks. Also, you are allowed to keep all your fingers on your left hand only if your book is between 250 and 350 pages, as the crow flies. The exception being, of course, if your story is one that shows the gentle side of pirates. And yes, I know that’s purely a subjective plot point, but KDP has bona fide experts and mildly disgraced 18th Century Literature professors on staff to discern the tough calls. If you are at all concerned as to whether your novel contains the appropriate amount of one-eyed seafarers escaping a checkered and complicated past filled with woebegone memories of kitten adoption addiction, chances are good you’re fine. Sounds like you’ve got a winner there, Ponyboy! Go right ahead and get your KDP on!

How To Set Up Your Kindle Countdown Deal

You don’t have to be an Internet Scientist to get yourself one of them there fancy shmancy Kindle Countdown Deals. First and foremost, turn on your computer and/or TI-81 calculator. Once you hear the familiar and sexy disembodied, coldly robotic voice inform you that “You’ve Got Mail,” you’ll know that you do, in truth, got mail. Go ahead and bypass that communication from your Great Aunt Cynthia. I hacked your entire floppy disk and I’ve already read her note. She’s literally got nothing new to tell you about anything you’re remotely interested in. There. I just saved you a full 45 torturous seconds. You’re welcome.

Your Internet browser icon should be right there in the upper right hand corner. Sometimes it plays hide and seek so you might have to be patient and/or call out the unmistakable forfeiture, “Olly olly oxen free!” If the web tool doesn’t show its webby face in under an hour, shake a can of beta fish food lightly in front of your screen. Make sure the can’s top is slightly ajar. Let that aroma fresh out. Your unique and dedicated URL stream should be up and running in no time.

OK. Now you’re ready to get down to brass tacks (as strictly nobody says anymore). Why don’t you go ahead and type this into the URL stream:

https://www.kindlecountdowndeals54321blastoffneilArMstrong-iAmAReadyForTheCountdownsToCome.com/67987441DingabErrYdoDAh821$;4/*<}¥55538619004347821/qwertyIsmysOYmAte

Did that work? Oh, I’m sorry, I should have been more clear. You can’t copy/paste it. You have to type it in exactly as is… and yes it must be caps specific!

All right, you should now be on your KDP page. Do you see the book that you wrote? Yay! Congratulations! For real, duders! It is no small accomplishment to have published a thing with words in it. Not many people can do that! There’s you, and well, me I guess, and Nancy Drew. That’s it! We’re the only three authors who ever existed! Welcome to the party, pal!!

Tell me more.

Tell me more.

Get Your Deal In Order

If you’ve come this far, you can probably see the finish line right there in the horizon. All you have to do now is click on the button that reads: “Promote and Advertise.” That should lead you into the secret society of Amazon Marketers. In here, you can set your wildest dreams afire. That is, considering of course that your wildest dreams entail offering your book at a ludicrous sale pricing point that is LESS THAN it most oftentimes is, on the reg-like.

Let’s break this down…

Say your Kindle Book is usually priced at $75.99. If you set your Kindle Countdown Deal to start at $75.95, then readers will recognize that whopper of a discount and exclaim, “Holy peanuts! Hold the phone! Hey friends standing close to me! Come check this out over here on my computer screen! Jasper Author’s book is slashed to the cheap! I can not believe my eyes in my head are seeing this! Can you? Even?!” And those readers’ friends standing close by will, in turn, agree with him that it is indeed a fantastic, once in a lifetime deal and they will immediately all rush to their own computer screens to buy your blessed book.

Scenario #2: Imagine, that for some god-awful reason, a would-be reader stumbles upon your sales page and isn’t sure whether he (or she!) desires to purchase your supremely discounted book in that there particular moment. Perhaps she (or he, damn you!) is having a bitter day and her/his chapeau and/or top hat caught fire in the middle of the big dance at Westerly Manor. Well, in that likely scenario, I’d say that maybe they would be justified in exercising uncertainty over an otherwise unknown author with that excruciating hot, hot ballroom memory fresh in their boiled head and britches! So the question remains: how can you press on and continue to sell them your one-of-a-kind genius tale?

Hey there, friend. Here comes the price of admission… get ready for the

The Final Countdown

Do do do do! Do do do do do!

Check it and never forget it! With Kindle Countdown Deals, Amazon places a Doomsday Clock right smack adjacent to the image of your booky. It magically COUNTS DOWN (ahhh, now you get it!) the time in which each and every potential reader has until they die, individually. If they don’t buy your book at $75.95, Amazon gives them like 30 tick tock hours before they ship the Black Plague (packaged neatly in seven coordinated drones) to their home. After those 30 hours are up, your book then jumps up to $75.96, then $75.97 a year later, followed by $75.98 6,000 eons after that, and then finally, when the universe is but a wet smudge on the heel of Rockarogger’s boot, Amazon will automatically set your book back to your original, root price of $75.99. That’s right, you don’t have to lift even one of your remaining seven fingers! Amazon does all the heavy lifting for you in the pricing department! So rejoice! And all Hail Rockarogger. Now and forever. Time infinitum exio-mortis.

In Some Mace Sun

You can buy the Kindle version of I Am Marcus Fox today and tomorrow (9/16 and 9/17, respectively) for a measly 99 cents. That’s like, less than a cup of coffee for Sally Struthers. How much does a cup of coffee cost? Like $76, right? Oh, inflation! You so crazy!

Caffeine up and let’s get ready to Kindllllleeee!

<Cue Catchy Amp Jack Tune, in B Minor>

The Sway

The Sway

Airplane Mode

Airplane Mode