The Tragedy Of Hamlet, Prince Of Denmark — Act V

Act V

A churchyard.

Two clowns enter. Will they be funny? Hard not to be when you’re digging a hole for someone’s burial.

I find these clowns unfunny. In Shakespeare’s time, was the term “clown” reserved for anyone with a common job? Any Joe Shmoe who wasn’t lucky enough to be born into royalty? Maybe. Because now that I think about it, the clowns of the palace were called “court jesters.” I may be on to something here. Good thing too, cuz I have little insight into much else in this scene opener.

I assume these “clowns” are digging a burial plot for Ophelia because they mention a woman and there’s more than zero water imagery within their speech.

I think these clowns who aren’t really clowns are talking about how Ophelia killed herself and therefore is not afforded a proper burial. They also discuss the advantages of being born privileged. Does Ophelia get a nicer grave than most? Probably. Though I’m sure the point these non-clowns (and by extension, Shakespeare) are making is that in the end, all the riches in the world don’t matter because everyone just gets dead.

And dead is dead is dead.

Hamlet, everybody!

Speak of the dashing devil, here he and Horatio come now, skipping right in into the scene, whistling past all the graves. Hamlet has just returned from England.

One of the clowns sings a song, entirely unaware of (or uncaring of) the impropriety of his mirth. He nonchalantly unearths a skull from the ground. Now we’re talking!

Hamlet finds the skull fascinating and goes to it. He attempts to understand who the man was in life. “He could have been anyone, Horatio. He could have been a contender.”

The clown, now more a clown than before, continues his deluded clown song and tosses up another skull. Hamlet inspects this one and says it may have once been the skull of a lawyer.

He asks the clown whose grave he is digging. The clown says it is his own. It’s not. He’s just being silly! This hilarious, not at all annoying quip opens the door for Hamlet and the clown to have some back and forth banter/wordplay. Puns galore here, kiddos.

HAMLET

What man dost thou dig it for?

FIRST CLOWN

For no man, sir,

HAMLET

What woman, then?

FIRST CLOWN

For none, neither.

HAMLET

Who is to be buried in’t?

FIRST CLOWN

One that was a woman, sir; but rest her soul, she’s dead.

HAMLET

Ahhhh! You cheeky bastard! Get over here, you!

Hamlet proceeds to ensnare the First Clown in a most impressive headlock and delivers unto him an atomic noogie.

OK, I lied. Just checking if you were paying attention.

Hamlet does ask the First Clown a bit about his profession. He says he’s been at the grave digging business for a long, long time. And some men rot faster than others. Good to know!

Take this skull, for example. This skull was three and twenty years in the grave. It belonged to Yorick.

Yorick? Hamlet pauses. He knew him, Horatio! He was a fellow of “infinite jest” who inspired David Foster Wallace!

Yea, Yorick was the court jester (I knew it! See above) back when Hamlet was a wee child. Ah, this depresses our droopy hero. Hard not to feel down when holding the skull of a loved one.

Here hung those lips that I have
kissed I know
not how oft. Where be your gibes
now? your songs? your flashes
of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a
roar?

I’ve recently had a couple of unexpected conversations about death with my 4-year-old, so I can relate. This is a hella heavy topic. Not one to be tackled lightly. Hamlet, upon contemplating his mortality for perhaps the hundredth time, is more in tune with the other side here than when he confronted his dead father’s ghost. Did the court jester show him more love than his Dad? Maybe. Or maybe he’s just had a really hard couple days and this is the ultimate culmination: a graveyard, existential pile on on his fragile emotional state.

Hamlet talks of the dust of Alexander the Great. How even the greatest of men die, yet they leave behind their auras and their dusty breaths. Was this science available and common knowledge in Hamlet’s time? Or was he just making up accurate shit? Either way, strong work, bro.

Laertes, King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, and mourners enter, bringing Ophelia’s “corse.” Shakespeare means “corpse,” of corse. He only left out the p to be coarse. Fun!

A priest says a few words over Ophelia’s body and Laertes is unpleased. “Is that all you got, ya wanker?” he surprises the priest with his left-field cockney accent.

HAMLET

What, the fair Ophelia?

Oh right, poor Hamlet didn’t know his girl went and drowned herself in the stream. Oh man, this is messed up. At least he’s hiding off to the side of the seemingly makeshift funeral, so no one knows he’s there.

But yeah, earlier, the clowns were saying to each other that the finer people in life get the finer send offs in death. But in Ophelia’s case, that hypothesis doesn’t seem to hold any water.

You mean like Ophelia, ya big jerk?

No, I didn’t mean that at all. It is not my intention to make fun of such a serious mental ailment that would force someone to take their own life. I don’t care what year it is or how many of your close family members your ex-boyfriend’s killed (ouch); honey, everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends.

Back to the dog and pony show…

Is this still Scene One. Dang. It’s like Tired o’clock up in here.

Gertrude drops some flowers on Ophelia’s grave and Laertes drops himself. That’s right. He jumps down into the hole and wins the drama queen Oscar (although it’d probably be a Tony, huh?) for Act V.

But wait…

Hamlet can’t stand that some other man (albeit Ophelia’s brother) has out-crazied him, so he too jumps down into Ophelia’s open grave and there meets Laertes! They scrapple six feet under!

Claudius orders the men be separated. They come out of the hole and Hamlet declares that 40,000 brothers could not love Ophelia as much as he. It’s kinda hard to believe him though, considering that one of the few times we saw those lovebirds together, he was shouting, “Get thee to a nunnery!” But you know, absence (and death) make the heart grow fonder.

Hamlet storms away from the gravesite after being called “mad” for probably the umpteenth time.

Claudius reminds Horatio to keep an eye on him and then compels Gertrude to also keep some sort of watch over her son.

Scene ii

A hall in the castle.

Hamlet confides in Horatio, telling him all about his carefully written scene that was implemented into the play. As it was acted out, he caught the guilty reaction of Claudius, thereby confirming him to have murdered Hamlet’s father, the king, and “whored” his own mother.

He then tells Horatio about his sea battle and how Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were unfaithful to him as servants of Claudius. Ahem, heads up, Horatio.

A dude called Osric enters and tells Hamlet that the King has wagered a bounty on his head. Or rather, he is betting on Laertes to defeat Hamlet in false combat, ie. mock swordplay.

I suppose it was inevitable that Laertes and Hamlet would be so matched after they nearly killed each other in Ophelia’s grave. But apparently, Laertes is rather skilled with a rapier and dagger. From the sounds of it, Osric doesn’t think Hamlet has a chance against Laertes. Even Hamlet himself sings a quick praise of Laertes’ fighting force. But Hamlet is proud and will not back down, even when Horatio tells him, “Ehhh, hey guy, you’re gonna get slaughtered.”

King Claudius puts Hamlet’s hand in Laertes’. He wants them to make nice and be friends. Ok. Surprisingly, Hamlet apologies to Laertes. In the next breath, he refers to himself in the third person several times, saying that if Hamlet is mad then it’s surely not Hamlet who wronged you, but rather, Hamlet’s madness!

Hamlet!

Claudius sets his wager. Laertes and Hamlet commence to play with swords. Hamlet gets a point for sticking Laertes.

They’re setting up a table with wine. Ok.

One of the cups is poisoned and Queen Gertrude drinks it. Why??

Laertes and Hamlet continue to “play.”

Laertes wounds Hamlet; then in the scuffling, they change rapiers and Hamlet wounds Laertes.

Those are direct stage directions, so it’s gospel.

The King shouts, “Part them; they are incensed!“

So ok, this was supposed to have started out as a fun little make-up “play” fight that inevitably (and most predictably if you ask me) turned serious.

Queen Gertrude falls!

Hamlet and Laertes are looked after and they are both bloodied. Laertes tells Osric that he has been undone by his own treachery! Stabbed with his own poisoned rapier! Oh, what are the chances!

The Queen shouts to Hamlet that her drink was poisoned! And she dies.

Hamlet bellows for anyone to seek out the treachery!

Whilst dying himself, Laertes points the finger at Claudius. He tells Hamlet that it was the King who poisoned the drink. He also admits to poisoning the tip of his sword so that, when struck, Hamlet would suffer a mortal wound.

During the fencing, their rapiers got switched. So both Hamlet and Laertes got struck by the death sword!

Hamlet, at last in a position and mindset to take his vengeance, stabs Claudius and then pours any remaining poison wine down the Kong’s throat while everyone shouts “Treason! Treason!”

HAMLET

Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,
Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?
Follow my mother.

The King dies.

Laertes, with his final breaths, forgives Hamlet for it was not he but Claudius who was the puppeteer of all that has occurred.

Laertes dies.

Hamlet, having been stabbed by the poisoned rapier, is on his way out, too. He asks Horatio for some more poisoned wine but I don’t believe there is any left. No bother, he’ll soon be gone, too.

Before he dies, he asks Horatio to go forth and tell his story.

There are war horns and melee outside. It is Fortinbras coming to conquer, from Norway! Hmm, there was mention of this in Act One. And probably subsequent Acts, too. Nice setup, Willy. Knock it down!

Hamlet dies.

The audience sighs.

Horatio goodbyes:

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince;
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

Prince Fortinbras enters, with ambassadors. They are rightly horrified at the blood bath that just occurred. The first ambassador mentions that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Why? Because no one makes it out of Hamlet alive! Well, Horatio.

Horatio tells Fortinbras that he will tell the tragic story of Hamlet; it is one jam packed with blood and carnage, madness and treachery, peanut butter and jelly. Fortinbras orders his men to take the bodies away. And be gentle with Hamlet! Take him to the stage! For he was like a solider in this play.

Cool.

Go, bid the soldiers shoot.

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